#015 Saying No

Transcript

Hi everyone, welcome to how to live, a podcast that explores ways to live a good life. I am your host Sharad Lal.This is episode 15.

• How do we say no?
• Many of us struggle with this.
• For things we want to refuse,
  • If we say yes - we feel resentful
  • If we say no - we feel guilty
• Either way we are unhappy
• In today’s episode we meet Dave
• Dave is the life of the party, a loveable man
• But he struggles with the same problem that many of us do
• He cannot say no
• Through Dave’s story we’ll look at 
  • Why’s it difficult to say no?
  • Impact this has on our life
  • And ways to create healthy boundaries 

Before getting into the episode

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• Back to Dave
• Dave a 40 yr man is the kind of person you’d want as a friend
• He’s got an infectious smile
• He’s the life of the party
• He’s funny
• Everyone loves him and he loves everyone 
• Not only is he amicable - he’s extremely helpful. 
• He’ll go out of the way to help people
• But Dave’s got a big problem. 
  • He can’t say no. 
  • He just can’t do it.
• He didn’t think of it as a problem 
• But today having said yes to everything
• He finds himself depressed and struggling to cope with life
• He’s stretched in every way
  • At work. His business partner has taken a sabbatical leaving the tough business solely on him. 
  • Dave’s recently got into a side business with friends - an idea he doesn’t believe in. But he couldn't say no 
  • He’s also on the board of a charity - which is very consuming
  • All his energy is sucked by work and nothing’s doing well
  • On top of that
  • He doesn’t have time or energy for his wife, 2 energetic boys and socialising 

• Dave’s caught in a conundrum
• He can’t pull out of anything
• He’s too far in and cannot cope with everything
• How did he get here?

• Dave has a personality that psychologists refer to as compliant
• Compliant people
  • Find it difficult - Almost impossible - to say no to others
  • They melt into the demands and need of others
  • They might pretend to like the same movie or music as their friends 
    • just to get along
• Compliant people end up taking too many responsibilities and setting too few boundaries 
  • Not by choice but out of compulsion

• As Dave sat there upset, he realised something even more frustrating about himself. 
• While he makes himself available to anyone who needs him 
  • he cannot ask for help.
• He finds it difficult to ask for favours
• Infact, if he is going through adversity, and someone close reaches out to support 
• He actively avoids talking about his needs. He changes the subject.
• This was so ironic - he is ready to help others at any cost
• But he actively dismisses help even when he desperately needs it. 
• Dave wasn't laughing at himself now. He was angry

• Psychologists refer to this trait of avoiding help as Avoidant 
• Avoidant people 
  • Cannot let others in
  • When in need - they simply withdraw
  • They often experience their problems as shameful 
    • so they shut themselves off 
• Some people like Dave are both Compliant and Avoidant
• That’s the worst of both worlds
• They take in the bad 
  • And refuse the good

So if we are compliant, saying yes to everything 

• How does this impact our life?
• Before getting into the reasons, let’s meet a Third Personality type
• The Controller
  • Controllers are those who cannot take no for an answer
  • They need to get their way - whichever way they can
  • They can either be aggressive pushing hard, being persistent till the compliant person yields
  • Or manipulative 
  • Emotionally controlling people

• WIth this context, lets see how saying yes to everything impacts our life 
• Firstly our priorities are mismatched
  • We are at the mercy of controllers
  • We end up focusing our attention on the loudest voice. 
    • It's too difficult to say no
  • Or we get manipulated by controllers
  • Sometimes it’s not even controllers - its anyone making a request
    • We feel it’s our duty to fulfil that request
  • As a result
    • People who are important to us
    • And experiences that are important to us 
    • Get ignored
    • Simply because they don’t forcefully ask for our attention. 
• Secondly as Dave found out - there’s a capacity issue
  • We have so much on our plate. 
  • We can’t possibly do everything so we either do nothing or 
  • Do things badly  
  • That’s why some complaint people take to ghosting
    • Saying yes to everything and then disappearing

• Thirdly, this takes a toll on our mental health
  • Unwanted emotions emerge
  • Resentment - when we say yes 
  • Guilt - when we say no 
  • Everything feels like a chore, a duty. 
  • Love, passion disappears

• In summary, by saying yes to everyone
  • We lose control of our life
  • Others control it. 
• So what drives this behaviour?
• At the surface it might seem we are being helpful, or people pleasing or trying to be popular
• While this may not be too harmless, the reality is different 
• Deep down we are driven either by fear or by guilt
  • Fear of abandonment
    • Losing out on an important relationship
    • Or on approval or closeness 
    • We might think
    • “If I don’t do this, I will no longer be part of the inner circle” 
  • The fear could also be of anger, punishment or shame for non-compliance
  • “If I don’t do this for him, he will publicly humiliate me”
  • Or shout at me
• The second factor is guilt
  • Our guilty conscience tells us we are doing something wrong if we say no
  • We might think “I’m being selfish”
  • Or “What kind of a person am I - saying no to my own child?”  

Why does this happen to us? 

• So why do we develop this fear or guilt - that forces us to say yes
• As with everything in psychology
  • You guessed it right
  • The seeds for this are laid in our childhood
• There are societal factors
  • In collective societies taking care of oneself can be considered selfish
  • There’s also unrealistic expectations on duties and responsibilities
  • Time and personal space may not be valued
  • One needs to conform. Otherwise one is outcast.  
• And then there is our upbringing
  • If we are shouted at when we disagree with a parent
    • We grow up fearing disagreement and say yes to everything
  • Similarly if we are made to feel guilty or shameful on disagreeing
    • We resort to yes to avoid that feeling  
  • Any version of these patterns lay the foundation for our fear or guilt towards saying no. 

Back to Dave

• Back to Dave
• To get out of his conundrum, Dave decided to seek therapy. 
• He really wanted a way out 
• In therapy he realised that his compulsion for yes  - was driven by guilt
• Whenever he wants to say no
• His body gets enveloped with guilty feelings, anxiety and uneasiness.
• It’s difficult to be in that state and he needs to do anything to get out. 
• So he says yes - and feels the relief. 
• Over the next few months with his therapist, Dave uncovered the origins of his guilty conscience 
  • He grew up in a house where manners and politeness were given huge prominence
  • Disagreements and emotions were not shown openly. 
  • Decorum was expected
  • When he would do something wrong - he never got shouted at
  • Instead he got the silent treatment. Love was withdrawn. 
  • He felt isolated, guilty and ashamed 
  • Dave hated that loneliness
  • Ever since - he’s been running away from that horrible feeling

An important side note on guilty conscience 

• Many of us believe that our conscience is the truth
• Either God’s voice or our authentic voice
• That’s a major misconception
• Guilty conscience is framed by the standards that society, religion, upbringing etc have set for us
• Even though it resides within us - its source is external. It’s manmade. 
• Like everything external and man-made - its often wrong 

Ok - so now let’s move forward

What should the ideal way of saying no look like?

• A good visual experts use to describe healthy boundaries is as follows
  • Imagine a line between us and the other person
• By saying yes or no based on our free choice
  • We are controlling our area
  • Taking full responsibility for our part
• If the other person gets angry or reacts badly
• That’s in his or her zone 
• We should not burden ourselves or take ownership of that
• We only control our side of the boundary

How do we go about reaching this state of clarity?

Or simply

How do we say no?

• There are a few steps to this. 
• First is Awareness
  • Building an understanding of 
  • How is this impacting our life?
    • Our loved ones, priorities, time
  • Why are we doing this? 
    • Is it guilt or fear or anything else
  • How do we do it?
    • Is it an impulsive yes. 
    • Or something else
  • One trick is to observe how we judge others who say no
    • Because that’s the way we judge ourselves as well 
  • Through this exercise, we understand the deep rooted patterns and trigger points we will need to change as we learn how to say no.  
• Second is creating Guidelines  
  • What should we say yes to and what should we say no to
  • While this may sound obvious, 
    • It’s difficult for many of us
  • We’ve spent our lives focussed on other peoples’ needs 
    • So we have no idea what our needs are
  • To understand our needs, we should Reflect deeply
  • Here are some areas to reflect on 
    • What requests make us uncomfortable vs happy?
    • What yes comes from a place of compulsion vs love? 
    • How do our actions stack vs our values? 
  • Through this, we can create guidelines in line with our needs
  • Here are examples of some guidelines 
    • Saying no to more than 2 projects at a time
    • Saying no to insulting behaviour
    • Saying no to weekday drinks
    • Etc

Back to Dave

• This sounded good but was a little confusing for Dave
• He loved helping people. 
• It gave him so much fulfilment. 
• Even though it was often an inconvenience 
  • But he was happy to make a difference in others lives
• Now if he was to think of his own needs
  • Should he just say no to people when it was inconvenient?
  • And lose out on the tremendous fulfilment he gets
• The therapist asked Dave to think of occasions where helping was satisfying vs resentful
• Dave thought about it for a few days
  • Did he enjoy helping people he cared for? 
  • Or people in need?
  • Or people at work?
  • None of these categories seemed right
  • He was further confused
  • Then one morning, he woke up with a breakthrough
    • He enjoys helping people who use his support to advance in life 
    • He finds it fulfilling to contribute towards someone’s path. 
    • This has nothing to do with who is close or who needs help
    • It’s people who take on what he has to offer and progress 
  • Wow
    • This was an important discovery 
  • Dave always instinctively knows whether someone will follow through on his support or not
• Now he can focus his energy on helping the right people advance 
  • This will serve both others and his need for fulfilment.   
• After creating guidelines, the next step. Step 3 is Testing and Adjusting
  • Once we have our guidelines rules, 
    • We cannot go out and start using them with everyone
  • People will freak out. We will break relationships
  • We need to start small, test it out, 
  • And learn the skill of saying no in a safe space 
  • A good way is to start with one of two people we trust dearly
  • We can start with small requests
    • Maybe saying no to a friend for tennis because we’d rather be with our kids 
  • With time, we can build this up to bigger requests and more people
• In the testing phase, Dave struggled with how to say no
  • What words should he use
• Just saying no sounded very rude
• So he started implying no
  • It’s difficult but I’ll try. 
• When that didn’t work, he tried excuses.
• But that led to further probing and long winded discussions
• He tried many other things but would always end up being defensive while saying no
• After trial and error, he finally found something that worked for him
  • The no needs to be very clear. No ambiguity
  • He needs to be polite. That’s him
  • To people close to him - he will provide an alternative that he can do
    • Within his guidelines  
• After the testing phase, when we feel confident we can start bringing this to the rest of our life
  • As we become this new person 
  • There will be pushback
  • People won’t like change
  • But we need to keep going and will soon start seeing the benefits
• It’s been 5 years since Dave embarked on this journey
  • He’s had quite a ride
  • The journey has been difficult but fulfilling 
  • Surprisingly, the problems he started with 
  • Were relatively easy to deal with
  • He amicably pulled out of the business with friends and sorted matters with his business partner 
  • But with the new lens, other areas of concern emerged
  • He’s been working through them
  • Interestingly Dave discovered that with boundaries 
    • He bonds and relationships have become deeper
    • They are fewer relationships. That’s fine he had far too many 
    • But they are deeper 
  • People understand where he truly stands, what he values
  • He’s more respected 
  • While creating these boundaries, Dave is still flexible and adjusting
  • That’s important to him
  • He gives more than he takes
  • He says yes even if its inconvenient
  • But all this is done consciously
  • Based on his free choice and not fear or guilt.
• If Dave’s story resonated with you, here are a few action steps to consider
  • Reflect on whether you are compliant, avoidant or controlling?
    • We can be all 3
    • We can be compliant at work, avoidant with family and controlling with our spouse
    • How does that affect your relationships?
  • Another area for reflection is how we feel when we say yes instead of no
    • Is it resentful?Anger?
  • And how do we feel when we say no?
    • Guilty, Fearful?
• If we struggle with saying no
  • Lets try saying no at least once a week for something small
  • Maybe no to coffee with a friend or no to more responsibility at work
• If there’s anything else in the episode that resonated with you, please go ahead and try it out for yourself
• Saying no is very difficult.
• It needs us to unpack so many layers
• It’s difficult but not impossible
• I wish you all the best
• That’s all for today’s episode
• Wish all of you a wonderful day ahead. 
• Bye bye