#018 The power of regret | How to Live Podcast

Relevant Links

https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/

Episode Transcript

Intro

Hi everyone, welcome to how to live, a podcast that explores ways to live a good life. I am your host Sharad Lal.This is episode 18.

Topic

Today we will talk about regrets.
Most of us have some regrets in life
Here are some example of regrets

I regret cheating on my boyfriend for 7 years instead of breaking up with him
My deepest regret of 52 years of my life is living fearfully. I was afraid of looking foolish so I did not do so many things I wanted to
I regret not spending enough time with my kids when they were young. Now they are grown up and don’t have any bond with me.

Regret is a complex emotion

It combines anger, shame, self blame, helplessness, anxiety, remorse and many other negative emotions

Many of us hold regrets for years and decades
They weigh us down
But these can be valuable and helpful
In today’s episode we will deep dive into this emotion
We look at

What regret tells us about ourselves
How we can them through grow
And how regrets form a pathway towards fulfilment and purpose

We’ve referred to the work done by Daniel Pink in his book the Power of regret as our primary source of information.

Before getting into the episode

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Medal question

Back to the episode
In the Olympics - medals are given to the top 3 winners -

Gold is given to the athlete who finishes first, silver to one second and bronze to the third

Among them, who do you think is the happiest?
Thats easy - the gold medalist
The second happiest
One would think the silver medalist
and bronze the least happy
But think again
What would the silver medalist be thinking?

If only I had trained harder
If only I had gotten off the blocks faster
If only I had longer legs
Etc

What would the bronze medalist be thinking

At least I was in the top 3
At least I won an Olympic medal
At least my name will go down in the history books
Etc

It sounds a little counterintuitive but
Bronze medalist is happier than the silver medalist
This isn’t just us saying it, there is a whole body of evidence to back this
In a famous study conducted during the 1992 Barcelona Olympics
Researchers got people with no awareness of the games to rate the facial expressions of Silver and Bronze medalists on a scale of agony to ecstasy
The found overwhelming evidence of Bronze medalists to be happier than Silver medalists
In interviews later bronze medalists were heard to use the words “at least” very often while the silver medalists used the words “if only”.
This study has been replicated multiple times in different settings - the results are the same
Bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists

If only and at least attitudes

The “at least” attitude that bronze medalists have is a positive attitude
It’s gratitude for what we have
Makes us feel good, happy, warm and fuzzy
While the “if only” feeling is difficult
Its sad, anxious, angry, remorseful
It’s not fun
We hate ourselves in that moment
But here’s the catch
While the “at least” attitude is pleasant
The “if only attitude” helps us grow
Regret is the ultimate “if only” emotion.
With regret we feel unpleasant and many complex difficult emotions.
But when handled right - this can be very valuable.
Regret in a nutshell

Makes us feel worse today
But helps us do better tomorrow.

Multiple studies by folks in London Business School, Columbia University and others have shown this.
They’ve found that regret when handled correctly can help us become better

How do regrets make us grow

These studies found that regret helps us in two ways

From an everyday life perspective - it enhances our performance and decision making skills.

This happens because in order to avoid the negative feeling of regret again - we slow down, collect more information, consider wider options and then reach conclusions
Additionally having faced failure - we are more persistent and this elevates performance

Secondly - from a depth perspective - it strengthen our sense of meaning and connection

As we look at all our regrets we get a sense of what’s missing in our lives and what’s really important. For example if we do a mid-life review of regrets. We often revise our life goals to make them more meaningful and have a stronger motivation towards them.

Not wallow in our regret

As I share all this research, many of you will be thinking
Wait a minute - That’s not what regret is
My experience has been very different from what you’ve described.
I broke the closest friendship I ever had because of some petty matter
It’s been 20 years and I regret it even today
or
I turned down the perfect job offer and ever since my career has gone downhill
I regret it every morning I go to work
or
I lied to get ahead in life putting the blame on an innocent person
I regret what I did deeply and haven’t been able to forgive myself since.
Regret is so negatively embedded in us that it’s impossible to imagine that we can grow from this.
To grow from regret it needs to be handled correctly
But it’s such a difficult emotion that most of us fail to do so.
Some of us bury it and say we have no regrets

But this comes back periodically to harm us and even changes the way we approach life

Or we put a positive spin using the “at least” attitude

But this only provided temporary relief and does not enable us to learn from our mistakes

Or and this is the most common response - we get completely consumed by the emotions

We are so overwhelmed that we cannot process the emotion and we simply wallow in them

So how do we grow from regret vs getting consumed by the avalanche of emotions?

How does we move forward from the deep emotions regret brings about regret consume us

The best way to visualise the avalanche of emotions is through a concept called rumination.
Rumination is

Constantly repeating the same event in our mind multiple times

If only I had not said those nasty words
If only we had cancelled the trip etc

These short regretful stories keep coming in bursts
Consuming us. Enveloping us with complex emotions.
They bring up multiple emotions
Self Blame is a big emotion

Why did I do this?
I am so stupid and foolish
I’m a monster etc

Helplessness is another emotion

I can’t undo this?
I will take this to my grave
Why didn't’ I do this or that?
etc

It’s the same story again and again
In a circular pattern.
The story never moves forward
That’s why we are stuck for years
The key here is to move the story forward
To get out of the loop
There are many ways to do this
A simple powerful tool in Journaling.
Writing down our emotions.
As we write we are forced to move the thought forward because we cannot sit there writing the same thing.
By moving the thought forward and experiencing all the underlying emotions we are able to process regret.
This is again backed by empirical evidence.
Psychologist James Pennebaker calls this expressive writing and has proven empirically that writing about our most difficult emotions helps us heal.
We had talked about rumination and expressive writing in more detail in episode 4 - managing everyday stress. For more on this - please do check out the episode.
Some other tools on managing these stories can also be found in both episode 3 and 4
There are many other tools to not get consumed in our mental thought patterns. For example

Distancing ourselves from the event
Treating ourselves with compassion and many more

We will be discussing this as a separate topic in a future episode on managing mental chatter
So the key is to process emotions and then grow from regret by making better decision and enhancing our performance.
This serves us well in everyday life
What’s even more powerful is the second huge benefit that regret provides
It tells us about ourselves - what’s important to us, what are we longing
And this provides a path towards meaning and fulfilment.
To understand how this happens - let’s look at the different types of regret

4 types of regrets

Daniel Pink classifies regrets into 4 categories

Foundational regret

Are those about the basic foundations of life

Education, family, community, career, money, safety etc

Its regrets around not completing one’s education or not establishing a stable career etc.
This normally sound like this - If only I’d done the work
The words too much and too little indicate foundational regret.
Too much TV, too much partying, too much spending, too little saving, too little commitment etc

Boldness regrets

Are the opposite of foundation regrets

Its regrets about not taking a chance and playing it safe

For example - regret about not starting a business or not travelling enough, or not having fun
These are typically inactions vs actions.
Based on research, inaction regrets are two times action regrets
They sound like “What if”
What if I’d quit my job, what if I’d married the girl I loved etc
Typically
They represent a lack of growth, a lack of being brave, a lack of being evolved.
And ultimately a lack of living fully

Connection regrets

Arise from relationships
This is the largest category of regrets
These threaten our sense of belonging
This is core to who we are
Sound like this - “If only I’d reached out”
If only I’d made up we’d still be friends, if only I’d sent that email we’d connected etc.

Moral regrets

Are about harming others, cheating, disloyalty, disrespect etc
These make up only 10% of all regrets
But they hurt the most and last the longest.
They sound like - if only I had done the right thing
If only I had stood up for my friend, if only I had come clean etc.

Regret as pathway to finding fulfilment and purpose

Why is it important to look at these categories of regrets?
This is because we are now moving from a micro picture of one regret to a macro picture of all our regrets
By reflecting on all our regrets - big and small
One might realise that most of our regrets sit in one category
Whether its foundational regrets, connection regrets or any other
This serves as a useful self awareness tool
It tells us that there’s a part of us

That’s very important to us
And Is unfulfilled

If we work towards filling this gap in life - we will find fulfilment and meaning.
Now - If most of our regrets are foundational

It tells us we need to build a fundamental structure of safety

A secure platform of home, family, money, career, etc
Whatever version that is for us.

We’ve spent too much time exploring, trying new experiences, and floating around
And too little in laying a solid foundation for our life.
And now we feel insecure and fearful of the future.

Boldness regrets

Tell us that we are not living life fully
We are stuck in a safe path or maybe a path someone’s chosen for us
And we are resentful about it. Maybe even bored of our life.
We want to break free, take some risks, try new things and live life fully.

Connection regrets

Tell us that we are scared of being all alone and lonely
Our relationships are not deep
Maybe we’ve treated our loved ones shabily, not made time for them, not been reciprocal
We want to mend some old relationships and create deeper bonds

Moral regrets

Tells us that we’ve not stood up for what we believe in
We often let ourselves and people around us down.
This regret tells us about our need to live closer to our values and have a strong sense of self.

This way depending on what bucket our regret lie in - we get a sense of where we can find fulfilment.
However maybe on studying regrets - we realise they are not part of any category mentioned above
Maybe most of our regrets have arisen out of anger

Anger has made us sabotage our relationships, our career and our well being.

This again is very good intel on ourselves which we can work on to grow and find peace.
Regrets are from our past
But if we can look at them as a gateway to the future
They become empowering
Like someone said
The best time to make deepen an important relationship or start investing wisely or become an entrepreneur may have been 20 years ago
The second best time is now.

Action Steps

If any of this resonated with you, here are two action steps you could consider

First is think of one regret that’s affected you
Take some time out to write in down
Maybe you could describe the incident and then write down all the feelings that arise
Don’t hold back - use whatever language you like
Give yourself 15-20 minutes to do this.
After writing - check in with yourself and see how you feel.
Did you learn anything about yourself? What can you do better next time? How do you feel about your regret now?
The second exercise you could try is a Regret Review
Set aside an hour to reflect on your regrets in life
Note down whatever regrets come to mind - small and big.
Once you’ve got most of your regrets down
See what it tells you about yourself.
From this is there an area of focus you could work on.
How will you go about fulfilling this area of your life?

End

I wish you all the best as you work through your regrets.
Let’s end todays episode with a short passage by the great poet David Whyte
Sincere regret may be a faculty for paying attention to the future.
For sensing a new tide where we missed a previous one
For experiencing timelessness with a grandchild where we neglected a boy of our own
Fully experienced regrets turn our eyes attentive and alert for a future possibly lived better than the past.
That’s all for today’s episode
Wish all of you a wonderful day ahead.
Bye bye