Episode Transcript
Intro
Hi everyone - Happy Valentine’s Day. Welcome to how to live, a podcast that explores ways to live a good life. I am your host Sharad Lal.This is episode 35.
Today on valentine’s day - why not add some spark to your marriage or relationship?
Are you thinking
An Exclusive fancy dinner
An Expensive gift
Or maybe whisking your partner to Maldives
Surely these grand gestures will blow your partner away.
But you know what
It’s not grand gestures that create a happy marriage
Instead it’s the small things we do daily
That’s the conclusion- the best in the world - Julie & John Gottman - came to this after studying thousands of couples in multiple settings across 40 years.
For those how don’t know
The Gottman’s are the leading, most respected, and probably the best recognized therapists in the world.
They changed the game in relationship therapy by bringing in data
They put camera in couples houses,
Set up facilities like the Love Lab in Seattle
And coded hours and hours of couples interactions to figure out
What makes couples tick?
What’s the difference between happy and unhappy couples?
With all this data - they’ve written multiple books, set up an institute and put out content on practical ways to deepen a relationship
One cool thing they do - which freaks people out
is predict in a 15 mins interaction whether a couple will divorce or not.
They’re right 90% of the time.
Clearly not the guys you want over for dinner.
Their latest book brings together 4 decades of learnings and distils it into 7 simple principles that can bring romance back into a relationship.
In today’s episode we’ll dive into these 7 learnings
Think of this episode as cliff notes to their latest book.
At the end as a bonus we will throw in the 4 tell signs of a marriage headed for divorce.
Before you get ready to get your relationship back on track
Before getting into the episode
Thank you very much for supporting the podcast.
Please continue to send us questions and comments, even suggestions for future episodes. We always love to hear from you.
Do consider following us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you are listening to this.
If you love the show - please do rate us.
Thank you in advance
Back to the episode
Bids for Connection
You’re hanging with your partner in the living room
He’s on his kindle, you’re reading a magazine
Kids are asleep.
It’s a lovely time in the day where you guys get to unwind.
Your partner suddenly lights up - looks at you - and reads aloud this interesting quote you might like
You’re in the middle of your magazine article.
You think - why’s he bothering me? We just finished with the kids and work
Why can’t he give me 10 mins of peace?
You ignore him.
He seems a little upset but carries on.
Later you both go to bed and carry on with life.
What just happened.
Nothing major right?
But the Gottman’s vehemently disagree.
Based on their research - this is the single biggest predictor of happiness among couples.
But what is “this”?
They call “this” - bid for connection.
One partner reaching out to the other to connect.
When this happens - You can do one of three things
Turn towards your partner - Oh wow - what a great quote.
Turn away - simply ignore - that’s what happened earlier
Or turn against - don’t irritate me.
Let me repeat - this simple act of turning towards your partner is the biggest predictor of happiness in marriage.
Divorced couples turned towards their partners 33% of the time
Married couples turn towards their partners 86% of the time
Things like
These noodles are tasty
It’s quite cold today
All these bids are not really about the weather or the food
It’s about connecting with one’s partner. Having a shared moment.
Building a friendship because the starting point of any relationship is friendship.
Now some of you might be thinking
Sometimes I don’t have energy to interact.
That’s a fair concern - the reality of busy lives.
In those circumstances - here’s how we can turn towards and not engage too much.
We can say - I’d love to know darling. But I’m in the middle of this exciting book. Can you tell me later please.
That’s a +1 on turning towards and adds up to a happy relationship.
So that’s the first prescription
Turn towards bids of connection daily as often as you can.
And to highlight the importance if I haven’t enough - if there’s only one thing you do - do this. Turn towards.
Ask a big question (Love Maps)
<knowledge of each other’s inner worlds>
If the first principle is about connecting- the second is about depth
At the start of romance - many of us have deep meaningful conversations with our partners
We talk our dreams, our worldviews, what’s important to us
If you’re a coach you might discuss your values, life purpose, patterns
Most of us start with a deep bond.
But with time - these conversations die out and we talk transactional stuff
Will you pick up the kids?
Can you add this to the grocery order?
Do we have wine to take to this one’s house tonight?
Why does this happen?
Of course we live busy lives- there’s a lot to be done.
But there’s another reason
We think
We know all the deep stuff.
So there’s no point in talking this again.
Why ask these deep questions - when we already know the answers?
But here’s the interesting insight
Everyone’s constantly changing.
Our partner today is very different to who we met many years ago
Maybe now they've got a new secret longing.
What drives them could have changed
Everyone’s inner world keeps evolving
Gottmans refer to the knowledge of each other’s inner worlds as the love map.
Being curious about our partner’s love map helps us understand who they are today and deepens our bond
So how do we figure out our partner’s love map?
It’s by asking big questions.
Big open ended questions like
What’s your life dream right now?
What are some unfulfilled things in your life?
What legacy do you want the kids to take from your family?
Even if we’re caught up in too many things
We can break the transactional flow by simple big questions like
What’s in your mind today?
What’s in your heart today?
The biggest conflicts are not mundane things. Instead it’s the big stuff.
These big questions help understand our partner’s love maps - which strengthen our relationship.
Being nice to each other
As we move to the third prescription, here’s one question for you
The first thing to die in a relationship is dash
What is “dash”?
The answer is politeness
According to Gottman’s
We all start off with thank yous, sorrys and please
But its the first to fall off
Along with that - we even stop being nice to our partner
This is when the relationship turns sour.
In researching the difference between happy and unhappy couples, the Gottman’s found something interesting.
They thought happy couples would be nicer and kinder to each other.
But that wasn’t the case.
They found that even unhappy couples were nice to each other
But there was a big difference
Unhappy couples didn’t notice their partner being nice to them.
They didn’t notice that their partner
Left the best piece of the meat for them
Cleaned the room after them
Stocked the fridge with their favourite ice cream
Whereas the happy couples noticed and appreciated the small things their partners did.
Isn’t that amazing - almost all couples are nice to each other.
But the one’s that notice are happy and the ones that don’t are unhappy.
There’s a reason we don’t notice the good stuff.
Our brains are wired to look for the negative.
That’s how we’ve evolved as a species to stay away from danger and keep safe.
In modern times, this primitive brain has the natural tendency to focus on
Oh you left a mess
You always leave the aircon on
You’re always shopping too much
The good news is that brains are neuroplastic
That means the brain is malleable and can change
So if we need to make a deliberate conscious concerted effort to scan for positive things instead.
Once we start looking for them - we will notice them everywhere
Through this we will truly appreciate what our partner is doing for us
And say heartfelt thank yous
So that’s the third prescription - Notice the nice things and say thank you.
Give a real compliment - admire your partner
The fourth prescription is to admire your partner
The Gottman’s ran a 2 day workshop
On day 1 they got couples to focus on friendship and intimacy.
On day 2 they get couples to focus on conflict - talking through the difficult issues.
As one would think - the couples that attend both the days fare the best.
Surprisingly though - The ones that attend only day one - friendship - actually fare almost as well as the couples who do both days.
And the couples that only do the conflict workshop fare the worst.
Every relationship has conflict
Majority of problems are perpetual problems
They are not solvable
So instead of focussing on these -
Couples who take time to admire their partners do better.
Appreciating them not for what they do but who they are.
Admiration isn’t something that just happens.
We need to actively do it. Say those things to our partner.
If you find it difficult to admire your partner
A good exercise is to think back on why you fell in love
Immerse yourself in that time - what did you see in your partner?
As you might imagine, the Gottman’s have data on this
In happy relationships the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions is 5 to 1.
For every negative interactions, we need 5 positive interactions
And this is during conflict.
If this sounds high - wait till you hear the ratio during normal times.
20 to 1.
So to keep a relationship happy - during normal times - we need 20 positive interactions for every negative interaction.
That sounds like a lot.
But positive things can be small
Smiling at our partner
Complimenting them
Sharing a joke
This builds fondness and friendship which is the key to happiness.
So that’s the fourth prescription - Pay genuine compliments.
Ask for what you need
In movies
The romantic protagonist knows exactly what the partner needs
without being asked
And seamlessly does these surprising acts to perfection
Maybe because of this - asking for what one needs seems so unromantic.
But imagine the pressure this puts on our partners
We’re changing - our needs are changing.
We barely know our needs - so what chance do our partners have
When we don’t ask for what we need
We get resentful when are needs are not met
And blame our partner
Or even worse we ask for our needs in the unhealthiest of ways.
We frame them by criticising our partner
We might say
You’re always watching your shows at night and don’t let me watch what I want
Instead if we focus on our needs - we could say
Darling, I’ve had a very tough day. I need to unwind.
Can I watch reruns of Big Bang Theory today?
Sometimes asking what we need feels selfish
But our partner will be happier to give up TV rights for the night vs taking our moaning/ groaning or silent anger or whatever our version of taking out anger is.
At a deeper level - not asking for what one needs is to do with self worth
We feel we’re not worthy of our needs
For more on asking for our needs, you can listen to episode 17 on intimate relationships with Dr Oberdan Marianetti.
Reach out and touch
The sixth prescription is touch
We all know instinctively touching our partner feels good
Whether its
Holding hands
Kissing
Cuddling
There’s science to back this up as well.
When we touch someone, it releases oxytocin
The molecule that gives us the warm fuzzy feeling.
Touching signals trust and safety.
The added benefit of touch is that it’s directly correlated to sex life.
Going up and hugging your partner for no reason, holding hands, maybe giving a massage - all this leads to a happier relationship.
The Gottman’s suggest hugging your partner for at least 20 seconds everyday
And kissing for 6 seconds.
Declare a date night
How much time do you spend with your partner?
If you’re like the average couple - it’s only 35 mins a week.
And most talking logistics.
So how much quality time should we be spending with our partner?
As you would imagine - the Gottman’s have a number for this.
The golden number is 5 hours a week.
5 hours a week of quality time with your partner leads to happiness
This could be taking a walk together
Playing a game
Or what the Gottman’s recommend all of us do
Declare a date night
Put it in our calendar, prioritise it above everything else.
The advantages of this are huge!!
When we set up a date night
Sometimes we don’t know what to talk about
So we either end up on our phones
Or maybe talking logistics again
A great way to think about date nights is an opportunity to expand your love maps.
Ask your partner deep open ended questions
What’s on your mind?
What are you happy about nowadays?
What are you longing for?
A good date night can be half the weekly 5 hours of quality time
So those are all the seven prescriptions.
Marriages don’t just become healthy. They need effort
As the Gottman’s like saying
Love is a verb
More than a feeling. It’s action.
.
Before we go to the action steps,
As promised, here are the 4 sure signs that marriage is headed to divorce.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Of them Contempt is the number 1 predictor of divorce.
You can read about them if you like.
Action steps
As an action step, you could consider taking one prescription a day for 7 days.
I think that’s how it was envisioned
If not - you could pick up a few of these and start using them in your relationship.
Here’s summarising them
One - turn towards bids of connection
Two - Ask a big question
Three - Notice nice things and say thank you
Four - Appreciation over conflict
Five - Ask for what you need
Six - Touch as often as possible
Seven - Declare a date night
End
Best of luck as you rekindle your relationship.
Enjoy Valentine’s Day.
The next episode will be out two weeks from now on February 28th.
We will be talking about the Japanese way of living Wabi Sabi with japanologist and best selling author Beth Kempton.
Do join us for that.
Till next time.
Bye bye
Intro
Hi everyone - Happy Valentine’s Day. Welcome to how to live, a podcast that explores ways to live a good life. I am your host Sharad Lal.This is episode 35.
Today on valentine’s day - why not add some spark to your marriage or relationship?
Are you thinking
An Exclusive fancy dinner
An Expensive gift
Or maybe whisking your partner to Maldives
Surely these grand gestures will blow your partner away.
But you know what
It’s not grand gestures that create a happy marriage
Instead it’s the small things we do daily
That’s the conclusion- the best in the world - Julie & John Gottman - came to this after studying thousands of couples in multiple settings across 40 years.
For those how don’t know
The Gottman’s are the leading, most respected, and probably the best recognized therapists in the world.
They changed the game in relationship therapy by bringing in data
They put camera in couples houses,
Set up facilities like the Love Lab in Seattle
And coded hours and hours of couples interactions to figure out
What makes couples tick?
What’s the difference between happy and unhappy couples?
With all this data - they’ve written multiple books, set up an institute and put out content on practical ways to deepen a relationship
One cool thing they do - which freaks people out
is predict in a 15 mins interaction whether a couple will divorce or not.
They’re right 90% of the time.
Clearly not the guys you want over for dinner.
Their latest book brings together 4 decades of learnings and distils it into 7 simple principles that can bring romance back into a relationship.
In today’s episode we’ll dive into these 7 learnings
Think of this episode as cliff notes to their latest book.
At the end as a bonus we will throw in the 4 tell signs of a marriage headed for divorce.
Before you get ready to get your relationship back on track
Before getting into the episode
Thank you very much for supporting the podcast.
Please continue to send us questions and comments, even suggestions for future episodes. We always love to hear from you.
Do consider following us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you are listening to this.
If you love the show - please do rate us.
Thank you in advance
Back to the episode
Bids for Connection
You’re hanging with your partner in the living room
He’s on his kindle, you’re reading a magazine
Kids are asleep.
It’s a lovely time in the day where you guys get to unwind.
Your partner suddenly lights up - looks at you - and reads aloud this interesting quote you might like
You’re in the middle of your magazine article.
You think - why’s he bothering me? We just finished with the kids and work
Why can’t he give me 10 mins of peace?
You ignore him.
He seems a little upset but carries on.
Later you both go to bed and carry on with life.
What just happened.
Nothing major right?
But the Gottman’s vehemently disagree.
Based on their research - this is the single biggest predictor of happiness among couples.
But what is “this”?
They call “this” - bid for connection.
One partner reaching out to the other to connect.
When this happens - You can do one of three things
Turn towards your partner - Oh wow - what a great quote.
Turn away - simply ignore - that’s what happened earlier
Or turn against - don’t irritate me.
Let me repeat - this simple act of turning towards your partner is the biggest predictor of happiness in marriage.
Divorced couples turned towards their partners 33% of the time
Married couples turn towards their partners 86% of the time
Things like
These noodles are tasty
It’s quite cold today
All these bids are not really about the weather or the food
It’s about connecting with one’s partner. Having a shared moment.
Building a friendship because the starting point of any relationship is friendship.
Now some of you might be thinking
Sometimes I don’t have energy to interact.
That’s a fair concern - the reality of busy lives.
In those circumstances - here’s how we can turn towards and not engage too much.
We can say - I’d love to know darling. But I’m in the middle of this exciting book. Can you tell me later please.
That’s a +1 on turning towards and adds up to a happy relationship.
So that’s the first prescription
Turn towards bids of connection daily as often as you can.
And to highlight the importance if I haven’t enough - if there’s only one thing you do - do this. Turn towards.
Ask a big question (Love Maps)
<knowledge of each other’s inner worlds>
If the first principle is about connecting- the second is about depth
At the start of romance - many of us have deep meaningful conversations with our partners
We talk our dreams, our worldviews, what’s important to us
If you’re a coach you might discuss your values, life purpose, patterns
Most of us start with a deep bond.
But with time - these conversations die out and we talk transactional stuff
Will you pick up the kids?
Can you add this to the grocery order?
Do we have wine to take to this one’s house tonight?
Why does this happen?
Of course we live busy lives- there’s a lot to be done.
But there’s another reason
We think
We know all the deep stuff.
So there’s no point in talking this again.
Why ask these deep questions - when we already know the answers?
But here’s the interesting insight
Everyone’s constantly changing.
Our partner today is very different to who we met many years ago
Maybe now they've got a new secret longing.
What drives them could have changed
Everyone’s inner world keeps evolving
Gottmans refer to the knowledge of each other’s inner worlds as the love map.
Being curious about our partner’s love map helps us understand who they are today and deepens our bond
So how do we figure out our partner’s love map?
It’s by asking big questions.
Big open ended questions like
What’s your life dream right now?
What are some unfulfilled things in your life?
What legacy do you want the kids to take from your family?
Even if we’re caught up in too many things
We can break the transactional flow by simple big questions like
What’s in your mind today?
What’s in your heart today?
The biggest conflicts are not mundane things. Instead it’s the big stuff.
These big questions help understand our partner’s love maps - which strengthen our relationship.
Being nice to each other
As we move to the third prescription, here’s one question for you
The first thing to die in a relationship is dash
What is “dash”?
The answer is politeness
According to Gottman’s
We all start off with thank yous, sorrys and please
But its the first to fall off
Along with that - we even stop being nice to our partner
This is when the relationship turns sour.
In researching the difference between happy and unhappy couples, the Gottman’s found something interesting.
They thought happy couples would be nicer and kinder to each other.
But that wasn’t the case.
They found that even unhappy couples were nice to each other
But there was a big difference
Unhappy couples didn’t notice their partner being nice to them.
They didn’t notice that their partner
Left the best piece of the meat for them
Cleaned the room after them
Stocked the fridge with their favourite ice cream
Whereas the happy couples noticed and appreciated the small things their partners did.
Isn’t that amazing - almost all couples are nice to each other.
But the one’s that notice are happy and the ones that don’t are unhappy.
There’s a reason we don’t notice the good stuff.
Our brains are wired to look for the negative.
That’s how we’ve evolved as a species to stay away from danger and keep safe.
In modern times, this primitive brain has the natural tendency to focus on
Oh you left a mess
You always leave the aircon on
You’re always shopping too much
The good news is that brains are neuroplastic
That means the brain is malleable and can change
So if we need to make a deliberate conscious concerted effort to scan for positive things instead.
Once we start looking for them - we will notice them everywhere
Through this we will truly appreciate what our partner is doing for us
And say heartfelt thank yous
So that’s the third prescription - Notice the nice things and say thank you.
Give a real compliment - admire your partner
The fourth prescription is to admire your partner
The Gottman’s ran a 2 day workshop
On day 1 they got couples to focus on friendship and intimacy.
On day 2 they get couples to focus on conflict - talking through the difficult issues.
As one would think - the couples that attend both the days fare the best.
Surprisingly though - The ones that attend only day one - friendship - actually fare almost as well as the couples who do both days.
And the couples that only do the conflict workshop fare the worst.
Every relationship has conflict
Majority of problems are perpetual problems
They are not solvable
So instead of focussing on these -
Couples who take time to admire their partners do better.
Appreciating them not for what they do but who they are.
Admiration isn’t something that just happens.
We need to actively do it. Say those things to our partner.
If you find it difficult to admire your partner
A good exercise is to think back on why you fell in love
Immerse yourself in that time - what did you see in your partner?
As you might imagine, the Gottman’s have data on this
In happy relationships the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions is 5 to 1.
For every negative interactions, we need 5 positive interactions
And this is during conflict.
If this sounds high - wait till you hear the ratio during normal times.
20 to 1.
So to keep a relationship happy - during normal times - we need 20 positive interactions for every negative interaction.
That sounds like a lot.
But positive things can be small
Smiling at our partner
Complimenting them
Sharing a joke
This builds fondness and friendship which is the key to happiness.
So that’s the fourth prescription - Pay genuine compliments.
Ask for what you need
In movies
The romantic protagonist knows exactly what the partner needs
without being asked
And seamlessly does these surprising acts to perfection
Maybe because of this - asking for what one needs seems so unromantic.
But imagine the pressure this puts on our partners
We’re changing - our needs are changing.
We barely know our needs - so what chance do our partners have
When we don’t ask for what we need
We get resentful when are needs are not met
And blame our partner
Or even worse we ask for our needs in the unhealthiest of ways.
We frame them by criticising our partner
We might say
You’re always watching your shows at night and don’t let me watch what I want
Instead if we focus on our needs - we could say
Darling, I’ve had a very tough day. I need to unwind.
Can I watch reruns of Big Bang Theory today?
Sometimes asking what we need feels selfish
But our partner will be happier to give up TV rights for the night vs taking our moaning/ groaning or silent anger or whatever our version of taking out anger is.
At a deeper level - not asking for what one needs is to do with self worth
We feel we’re not worthy of our needs
For more on asking for our needs, you can listen to episode 17 on intimate relationships with Dr Oberdan Marianetti.
Reach out and touch
The sixth prescription is touch
We all know instinctively touching our partner feels good
Whether its
Holding hands
Kissing
Cuddling
There’s science to back this up as well.
When we touch someone, it releases oxytocin
The molecule that gives us the warm fuzzy feeling.
Touching signals trust and safety.
The added benefit of touch is that it’s directly correlated to sex life.
Going up and hugging your partner for no reason, holding hands, maybe giving a massage - all this leads to a happier relationship.
The Gottman’s suggest hugging your partner for at least 20 seconds everyday
And kissing for 6 seconds.
Declare a date night
How much time do you spend with your partner?
If you’re like the average couple - it’s only 35 mins a week.
And most talking logistics.
So how much quality time should we be spending with our partner?
As you would imagine - the Gottman’s have a number for this.
The golden number is 5 hours a week.
5 hours a week of quality time with your partner leads to happiness
This could be taking a walk together
Playing a game
Or what the Gottman’s recommend all of us do
Declare a date night
Put it in our calendar, prioritise it above everything else.
The advantages of this are huge!!
When we set up a date night
Sometimes we don’t know what to talk about
So we either end up on our phones
Or maybe talking logistics again
A great way to think about date nights is an opportunity to expand your love maps.
Ask your partner deep open ended questions
What’s on your mind?
What are you happy about nowadays?
What are you longing for?
A good date night can be half the weekly 5 hours of quality time
So those are all the seven prescriptions.
Marriages don’t just become healthy. They need effort
As the Gottman’s like saying
Love is a verb
More than a feeling. It’s action.
.
Before we go to the action steps,
As promised, here are the 4 sure signs that marriage is headed to divorce.
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Of them Contempt is the number 1 predictor of divorce.
You can read about them if you like.
Action steps
As an action step, you could consider taking one prescription a day for 7 days.
I think that’s how it was envisioned
If not - you could pick up a few of these and start using them in your relationship.
Here’s summarising them
One - turn towards bids of connection
Two - Ask a big question
Three - Notice nice things and say thank you
Four - Appreciation over conflict
Five - Ask for what you need
Six - Touch as often as possible
Seven - Declare a date night
End
Best of luck as you rekindle your relationship.
Enjoy Valentine’s Day.
The next episode will be out two weeks from now on February 28th.
We will be talking about the Japanese way of living Wabi Sabi with japanologist and best selling author Beth Kempton.
Do join us for that.
Till next time.
Bye bye